Membership

The most common question asked is: “How can I join?” It is nearly impossible. As Davy put it: “No one can handle the initiation.” And since the clubhouse (Humbug Cabin) was burned down over 30 years ago, meetings are nearly impossible to attend.

Still, there are three options available to anyone who really wants to join. Either you are invited (just like with the Shriners or the Mob), or you simply ask to become a member, or you survive an 80+ foot leader fall. In any case you will certainly be accepted into the initiation process.

Initiation

The initiation process is determined after full consideration of the applicant’s personal character. In many cases the new member will have to endure the most brutal, bizarre, embarrassing and expensive initiation ordeal of any club on the planet. To determine the severity and duration of the individual’s initiation process they will first be subjected to a battery of psychological tests administered by other members of the Club. Any deviance from normal psychology moves one quickly closer to membership. The most normal areas of psychological development revealed by the test results help us identify the exact focus and nature of the rest of the initiation process.

Next we run a thorough credit report. A crummy credit history also can put you on the fast track to membership.

Finally, criminal records are checked. Any sort of verifiable criminal history moves the applicant one big step closer to glorious membership.

If you fail all three challenges you may qualify for spontaneous membership and an automatic placement in the upper third of the popularity list! If, however, you are not lucky enough to fit in this category, the initiation process will commence.

If you survive the cleverly individualized rituals and ordeals that ensue, we will finally vote on giving you a membership card or not. You need one of the coveted Dirty Sox Club membership cards to make it official. A membership card entitles the bearer to all the many privileges and benefits offered by the organization.

Originally the cards were all handmade by Brian Gary and the sock image was stamped on the design with a cut-out potato. Each card was signed by the original Grand High Scribe (Dawg Phuque) and distributed solely by the four founding members – McCarty, Gary, Leo and Vaughan. Possession of a card, especially an original, grants full membership regardless of how the card was gotten. Maybe try eBay.

Then, once you are in, there is no way out.

Dues and Fees

Annual dues are determined by the member’s popularity. An annual popularity contest ranks members from most popular to least. The more popular you are, the higher your dues. The least popular members are rewarded for their efforts by sharing in the dues collected from the most popular members.

Failure to pay dues, which are due-in-full 24 hours after the contest, is dealt with promptly by our Sergeant-at-Arms, Mizner the Terrible. When he is called into duty the delinquent dues are increased by his travel expenses from Hawaii — plus meals, lodging and companionship of his choosing. Mizner has held this position for over 35 years and is quite effective in his responsibilities, we assure you.

Equal Opportunity Organization

We pride ourselves in being an equal opportunity fellowship. Everyone is equally offended and offensive. If you currently find yourself offended by this site then you may qualify for the fast track to membership!

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